The Institutional Jester

Monday, September 24, 2007

My boy's Biggest Point Score

In relation to the Points discussed below: My son's biggest score for a single event occurred when he was in 5th grade (he was a bit small for his age, so he looked even younger). I was at a very busy drug store, getting a prescription filled when he wandered away for awhile as kids will do. He came back as I was filling out the check and mumbled something to me and I said 'What?'

So he spoke up so everyone could hear:

"I now know what Trojans are for!"

The pharmacist tech about fell over, he was laughing so hard. For the next 3 years, evey time that guy saw me, he'd start laughing and ask if I brought my son in for more education. I can imagine what the little old ladies standing around were thinking.

I can just imagine people walking by as this small boy stood there reading the back of the box in the condom aisle. "Starting a bit young, aren't we?"

200 points in one shot; not bad, kid.

The funny followup to this was the very next day, he told me that it was the birthday of a little girl in his class that I knew he kind of liked.

"Well, wish her a Happy birthday." I told him.

"I can't do that!" he said, scandalized. "People will think I like her!"

Difference between reading about it and thinking about experiencing it was thankfully still far apart.

Grandkids are Revenge on our Children

Unlike most of my generation, I decided to be honest with my son with how it all works. Everytime our kids give us trouble, it adds points to their total; and when they start having kids, we get to start working those points off. I've gotten pretty graphic with my son.

"When your kids are about 3, I'll take them to Toy R Us and tell them:"
'What, your parents don't bring you here every week? Why it's federal law that they do so; they can get into a lot of trouble if they don't. You need to cry until they do. And these doors, they're magical. The word 'No' loses all meaning when entering this building.'
"Then I'll spend about $300 on them, load them up with about 5 pounds of candy, let them eat about 2 pounds of it just before I bring them back to you. That'll be good for about 50 points off your total, out of the 1,863 you now have."

My kid says when he gets married, he'll move and not leave a forwarding address. He'll try to qualify for the Grandparent Protection Program. I'll find him, though; got to work off all his points before I die.

Points; it's all about the points.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Terror one Snowy Christmas Night

The Physics of Santa Claus clearly demonstrates how devoid most Physicists are in real world considerations. To summarize their analysis:
  • 378 Million eligible kids (Christian and good)
  • 31 Hours of working time means 822.6 visits per second covering 75.5 million miles
  • Minimum 321,300 ton payload, requiring 214,200 reindeer
  • Total weight of 353,000 tons moving at 625 miles per second
  • Air resistance generating 14.3 quintillion Joules per second (hard on the lead reindeer)
  • Centripetal force of 17,500 Gs endured by Santa
All of their analysis is reserved for object of study, but not the environment through which it moves. They are worried about the 214,000+ reindeer heating issues, and the fat man’s tolerance for gravitational forces.

You Blithering Idiots!

Consider the ground effect of 353,000 tons, traveling at 650 miles per second AT ROOFTOP LEVEL! Consider the impact of those 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second not on carbonized reindeer, but on the surrounding area! Of course, at the speed he’s moving, Santa avoids the Hiroshima-level devastation he leaves in his wake at 625 miles per second.

Osama Bin Laden has got nothing on Santa. Take my advice; if you see the Jolly Old Elf before Christmas Eve, pop a full clip of hollow points in the Old Geezer and save the planet from incineration!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

God's Interview for a Project Management Job, Part 1

Manager: Uhh, God- Is it OK if I call you that?
God: Sure; you're the manager. This one is your show.
Manager: OooooKay. God, So what make you want to apply for this Project Management Position? Not happy in your previous assignment?
God: I've been at the current job for quite awhile and thought a little vocational sabbatical was in order. Thought I'd get a little taste of Hell to keep me fresh for the Long Haul.
Manager: Sounds reasonable. Let's talk about your last management project.
God: Creation; yes, some of my best work though we had our problems
Manager: Yes; well, your documentation states that it was a 7 day assignment- 6 days actually- but the user community indicates that it was actually a multi-billion year effort.
God: Truly, it was a classic case of scope creep. The final product was far more complex than first envisioned. Also, there were the usual issues; false starts, development delays.
Manager: And what is the status of the overall project?
God: The Project is in the hands of the Users right now undergoing Beta testing.
Manager: And how is that going?
God: It depends on who you talk to; some good, some bad.
Manager: Any particular Project Team filling more bug reports than the others?
God: Mohammed's team is particularly cranky at the moment. And, of course, the atheists refused to participate. You know how users can be.
Manager: I gather there were some major problems with Jesus's group for awhile.
God: Oh yeah; they had one User Group meeting that was murder; they positively crucified Him. Required some of my best abilities to fix that one up. Things are better on that front now.
Manager: What is the single biggest issue you and your Team leaders have these days?
God: Communications, of course. Tends to get garbled on the way down the ranks.
Manager: It says here, you had to restart the project at one point; was a major re-org involved?
God: Yes, the Great Flood. Communication was definitely the issue there. That re-org resolved it for quite a spell.
Manager: Any other setbacks?
God: Well we did try to simplify the User Guide for them to 10 simple steps, but it didn't take hold very well. But that only cost us about 40 years.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Packing smart

While packing for Uganda, I had to include some tools and parts for MADE Uganda, a group of disabled who build wheelchairs. This included a pipe cutter and 40 sealed bearings for the wheels.

Then I thought about taking some Miracle-Gro for Winnie’s mother, who has a small farm for the family.


Hmmm! Pipe cutter, bearing casings, and high-nitrogen fertilizer; flying through London! The bomb-sniffing dogs would have gone nuts. Security wouldn't have asked me to comewith them, they'd have Tasered me repeatedly on the spot, then hauled me off to a back room for days of repeated body cavity searches and playing 10,000 questions!

Friday, August 19, 2005

Lawyer Jokes (and most are!)

What does it mean when you come across three lawyers buried up to their necks in sand and there’s no one else around?

Someone went to get more sand.

My favorite:  What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

They slimy, they’re normally involved in getting screwed, and only one in 200 million ever accomplish anything.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005


I make regular visits to the Recreation Center after knee surgery a couple years back. They have the Hamster room; stationary bikes, ellipticals, Stair-Masters; all that stuff that make you go fast and stay in one place, just like the other parts of our lives. They also have the Torture Chamber for lifting weights. I’m convinced the Nautilis means ‘Dungeon Manufacturing, Inc.' in old Gaelic; the company merely retooled for a day when we would willingly pay to do what was done to get confessions and cast out demons a few centuries back. Know why Joan of Arc was burned at the stake? She was given a choice of that or three hours straight on a Stair-Master.

I’ve also started going to a track to do Rhinoceros workouts. That’s an overly large, think-skinned, cranky, near-sighted critter thundering along for short stretches until he comes to a wheezy stop and tries again after a little walking. Only part of the analogy that doesn’t fit; it’s been a decade or so since I’ve been that horny.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

A few shorts ones (A common condition in Caucasian males :)

My wife doesn't mind me going to lunch with female colleagues; she's firmly convinced no woman has as bad a taste in men as she does.

The only woman running her fingers through my long, wavy locks these days is my chiropractor when she adjusts my back.

Remember, if you can't laugh at yourself, the world will more than make up for your lack of participation.

The difference between the Biblical description of creation (7 days) and the geological evidence of billions of years? Scope Creep.

Bear mace; one of those great ideas that either works or doesn't.
If it doesn't, it's good that they put flourescent dye in it; at least it'll help identify where all the intestines are hanging in the trees.
And if it does work, would you want to be the next guy who that bear runs across? 'Oh, there's one of those hairless apes who tore the shit out of my nose last time!' GGRRRRRRR!!!.....AAARRGGGH!!!!!

Troll humor
There's a troll in all of us. Anybody else cheer for the Cave Troll against Legolus in the first Lord of the Rings? Damn long-haired, pointy-eared hippie; never trust any guy wearing tights, that's what the Troll says.

Was given a Senior Citzen's discount a while back at a movie theater; 11 years early. I just growled under my breath, the Scotsman in me taking some solice in saving two bucks. What would have been my Troll's response if I'd have let him have his say? It would have taken 4 cops, some baton work and a couple cans of mace to end the discussion.